my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
