We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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