I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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