Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
