im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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