she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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