apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
