There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
