My hand turned me down
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
