His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Be still, my beating vagina.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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