I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
