Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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