Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
