Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
