I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
