My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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