I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
