apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
