I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
