please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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