I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize