In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
