my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize