Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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