Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
