if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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