fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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