She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
