My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
