yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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