my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
