Four minutes until I can fart!
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
