Don't you send me to vm
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
