jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
