Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I party with great urgency now.
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