1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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