I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
