I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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