How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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