But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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