i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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