sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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