the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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