I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
