evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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