Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
