Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
