I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
