you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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