im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
