and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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