you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
This baby is an asshole
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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