after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
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