I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
