here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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