Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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