the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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