I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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