Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Vodka?
Forever.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
They took my balls.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
