That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
