3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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