i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize