Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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